Tower

"It's not just bad luck, it's just what can happen."

by author

I’ve found myself surrounded by the idea of ‘towers’ the past few days. I just finished the 2nd Lord of the Rings book “The Two Towers”. I read that J. R. R. Tolkien did not want his books put into 3 parts, but I’m glad they did because the size of them are nice to hold in my hand. And I’m reading them all back to back anyway so it basically still feels like one book mentally.

I’ve been listening to all of my favorite Jason Molina songs, especially ‘The Gray Tower’ since his documentary has premiered and he’s been on my mind. Also, I finally listened to a song by Townes Van Zandt that my friend told me was her favorite called “The Tower”.

My mind always likes to try to make reoccurring themes mean something. It is looking for some kind of important connection.

So I’ve been thinking about towers and what makes us struggle.

Jason Molina suffered from alcoholism and seemed to have a relentless case of the blues, to put it lightly… which I can relate to. That feeling of being down even when things might be going well because you know it doesn’t last and that the darkness will always be more powerful.

In fact, seeing things going well around me is more painful because I just wait for what might be waiting around the corner, ready to make it all crumble.

I find myself especially drawn to Jason Molina’s songs where his lyrics reflect optimism of things getting better. I think this is because things never did get better for him and that tears at my heart.

The fight was there, the will was there, the heart was there.

But in the end, it didn’t matter. He didn’t live to see things become brighter for him and if you read any of his lyrics, it’s like he always knew he wasn’t going to get there.

Townes Van Zandt had a struggle with depression and substance abuse as well. He drank and used heroin his entire musical career. He endured shock therapy (which of course is no longer used) when he was around 18 years old for depression and bipolar disorder. It was like he never had a chance. The darkness, the sadness had him from the beginning.

Why are some people cursed with that kind of pain?

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Tower

(By: Lila Cave-Park)

Pointless choice
possibilities
tower over me.

Bring me back
to where life starts
upwards
flowing lovingly.

Drop notes
from your tower
stone and coarse soil
light
from the sky
only from memory.

I left you
where you met me
and you think
I should still be sorry.

I played
your dream girl
the chapter in your book
you most want to
lose sight of.

Burn that part
in the furnace
at the base of
your tower.

You look out
explore
We search
I found more
than you
were willing to see
let it
stick to me.

You peel back
the labels
you had pressed into me
realize
I was never quite
fitting
to be the one—
I was meant to be
a fleeting daydream

Clay your
rough hands molded
an ease
that folded
into every space
you had empty
needed something warm
I settled inside.

High up
top floor
of your tower
I let you linger
bask in something
brighter
believe
in something
better.

Extinguish the darkness we share
when I’m
nowhere
I keep
waiting for you
there.

I’m not allowed to leave.

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The inspiration:

• The Gray Tower (Songs: Ohia):

It’s not just back luck, it’s just what can happen

I think there's a lot of good in this town
I think a lot of it's unredeemed
I think pretending that it's not around
Will bring the shadowy talons down

It's been waiting for us its whole life
For us to forget that look in its eye
It's been waiting for us its whole life
For us to forget it's name

• The Tower (Future Islands):

I am waiting on the other side
Looked out into everything and I lie
Tell myself it's nothing, when it's quite right
Everything grows stronger in the light

• The Tower (Townes Van Zandt):

Fears have built a wall between
Our lives and all that lovin’ means
Will have to go unfelt it seems
That leaves only sorrow

You built your tower strong and tall
Can’t you see it’s got to fall
Some day

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More poems by Lila Cave-Park:

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