Waiting on Nothing

Questions I lost my chance to get the answers to

by author.

I don’t mind the dishes,
the water is warm.

let my thoughts wander,
flow
and divide.

I let the water fall.

I always thought I would,
but after I ended our story,
I never saw you,
we never talked
alive
in person
together.

We didn’t connect online,
we didn’t share friends.

Tonight I decided,
I’ll listen to the songs
that seemed to matter to you at the end.

I think of what’s happened —
new songs
you might have listened to.

Or did you already get to hear it all?
On the other side of time,
did it continue to be
from where your inspiration
drew?

Thick black lines that painted
across edges,
mapped from me to you.

by author.

That darkness never left you,
did it?
It was the same from the start.

Did you give it to me,
or did I too
carry it with me,
perfecting the art?

If I found one more thing
from you
because of you,
my heart would hold my breath.

Let me take you along,
show you what made me miss you.

Think of you like I could ever reach you.

Which words ring true when our daydream is nothing new?

Flailing, grasping at nothing,
in that other timeline
patiently waiting.

See you in another life,
the one that was made for us
because of us
in spite of what resisted to be.

Truth being,
you left before things took a turn,
circumstances
that would have made your life worse.

It’s too hard to see
that every place I built history
has disintegrated,
like I never made anything.

No one met my eyes
said in silence
“I remember why”.

Let me try,
it’s like I’d do anything
for another choice,
another time to tell you how far off we were.

How we never had a chance.

That you live on in me
because I loved you far too much.

— The movement of a hand
waving
goodbye —

Let me try,
you’re watching me
spiraling,
waiting on nothing.

Imagine a place
you were safe to cry inside.

You’re sewn into my sadness
resting in my bones
my body the vessel that unifies us,
it’s okay here.

You won’t exist alone.

Our performances now set aside,
pain, mistakes and forgiveness
nothing to fear
I’ve made sure of it —

promise,
we’re all clear.

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Previously published on Medium