There's No One
I keep waiting
This began as a haiku chain where the first line was created by Notes from the Hill (thank you!) It struck something in me I hadn’t realized I had been trying to express.
It brought me back to a time during the early stages of motherhood where I suffered post partum depression and had a lot of resentment for family who failed to offer support, especially a mother I hadn’t seen in almost 10 years.
I tried to use all my old tools of taking care of myself and not waiting on any outside help, but it was the first time in my life that this wasn’t enough in a big way.
I wondered all the time how they could watch me struggle—perpetuate awful habits with partners and just disregard it all and move on.
I have since learned to ask for help where possible, but the absence of family continues to permeate my daily thoughts.
—poem mentions of self harm—
Comfort lives nowhere,
dark hair, empty eyes waiting,
a cave inside them.
Crawl into the black pools
of his despair,
I promise something impossible,
drifting in and out of ease,
it hurts to listen to you.
You’re off in the distance,
doing anything you please.
If you look close enough,
it’s clear—
I operate in pure desperation,
don’t take your love away from me.
I sink into your wishes,
a black hole wraps its edges around me,
where it begins I take you back in.
I want the sharp parts to sting me
in a way that wakes me up
but doesn’t bleed.
Fist tight,
strike my thigh,
the bathroom
from me I hide.
If no one ever knows,
then it can never be a lie,
to die,
or just find a hole to climb inside.
I crumble,
fold into myself,
try to feel something,
steal heat from the shower rain.
Lay low,
true thoughts don’t come—
how did I get so empty?
Tears mix in,
the liquids cancel each other out,
rise up again slowly,
listen for cries, discomfort.
I hear them everywhere,
inside every still moment,
I have to.
Crystal light slips through a crack
in the door,
I’m always almost there,
no one ever comes,
not my family,
not my friends,
I keep waiting,
there’s no one.
Not Alone
I’m not alone
when I conjure
your eyes outside my front door
Even when it’s hard
you can’t give up
everything you were meant for
Why Did We Run Toward the Horizon?
The sunset streaks of light illuminate our steps,
drawn out thousand foot shadows,
orange, yellow, purple, red,
the grass painted with its glow.
"I crumble,
fold into myself,
try to feel something,
steal heat from the shower rain."
beautiful
Oh this was such a painful read ! From a mother who understands how your life can be pulled from under you with the weight of responsibility that comes from being a new parent, or a parent full stop ! Then add in hormones sleep deprivation, trying to live up to expectations, the shaming that goes on , the standards we ll never meet !! Is it any wonder that we are not a bit off centre after all of this thrown into the mix !! I hope that you are being kind to yourself these days ! There’s no prizes for being a martyr - I learn that the hard way . And self flagellation is so overrated 😎🫣