Try Again ~ Chapter Four ~
The Pain You Wished For
Chapter Four
The Pain You Wished For
At dawn, Delia stands before the outfit she laid out for herself under soft yellow lamplight. Her cat grazes her calf back and forth a few times as she stands frozen. After a deep breath, she replaces her baggy t-shirt and underwear with jean shorts, a striped tank top, red American Apparel zip up sweatshirt, white socks and black Keds.
She flat ironed her hair and wished for rain. She ate a bowl of frosted flakes while watching the clock.
3:01…3:02…3:03…
At 3:40, she needed to be at the entrance kiosk. Exact time wasn’t as important as she had originally suspected, but it had to be close. Delia held and kissed each of her cats before heading outside.
Blue jays and starlings dance above her head as she unlocked her bike. Sunrays flashed through breaks in the abundant clouds and she started to smell the familiar scent of warm rain on pavement.
MaryAnn stood at the zoo entrance in a flowing black dress like the fucking grim reaper. Delia smiled to her as she dismounted and used muscle memory to lock her bike, simultaneously thanking MaryAnn for showing up.
“I know I’ve been a lot.” Delia hugged her.
“Not at all.” MaryAnn kissed her cheek.
MaryAnn was given the tools to warp time and move freely. Though it wasn’t technically allowed, if Delia held her hand, they acted as one body. MaryAnn didn’t help anyone else do this except for her friend.
Through the front gate they walked calmly. As MaryAnn faded away, Delia briefly closed her eyes and held her breath. In an instant, she was years in the past.
She watched her photography teacher run ahead of her.
“Go quickly!” Kai laughed, “You got 20 minutes before they close.”
“But it’s pouring!” Santi appeared and grabbed Delia’s hand. Kai just laughed again. Santi smiled to Delia and they ran off with fingers interlaced until they made it to the giraffe exhibit.
Once they were sure the rest of the class had lost visibility to them, Santi leaned in close and kissed Delia, the rain meeting to a pool at their cheeks. Delia forgot her purpose and her footing as her heart raced and the warmth radiated from her core, raising goosebumps along her forearms.
“I have to tell you something,” Santi grew nervous as he pulled away from their embrace. Delia didn’t speak, only stared. “It’s Jaime.”
“What?” Delia felt the same ache she had when she first experienced this moment all those years ago.
“She just wouldn’t leave me alone. I told her…over and over. But I just went and kissed her to prove…to show her that we didn’t have anything between us.”
“You kissed her?” the heat entirely dissipated.
“I’m sorry.” Santi brought his hands to his head and yelled out, “I’m so fucking stupid.”
Now was the moment this memory needed a jolt of change. Delia recalled perfectly what happened next and she turned the memory inside out.
“You’re not stupid. But I’m really fucking mad at you.” Delia held both of Santi’s soaking hands tight, then let go. Santi pulled on his hood and Delia turned away.
She walked on away from him.
“Delia! Please!” Santi ran to her. When his hand grasped her forearm, she lost her balance. Each of their bodies fell to the pavement and the world went black.
It worked, Delia spun herself around in excitement as she found herself at the apartment, listening to the doorbell.
Her arms were shaking as she turned the doorknob.
“It’s you.” she was sobbing.
“Hi.” Santi pulled her into his chest.
They don’t speak as much this time as Santi greets the cats and then meets Delia at her bed. She turns the music on and they hold each other close.
But this time, Delia is unable to access much joy. A stabbing pain grows in her chest and as time goes on, it intensifies. She kisses Santi to ease the ache, but the strength of the pain multiplies.
All three cats climb onto the bed and purr. They always seem to sense when Delia is down. Santi reaches for her again and again, but his warmth never touches her.
In a panic, Delia ends her mission. She pulls Santi into her arms as tightly as she can manage and whispers, “I love you so much. I have missed you so much since you died.”
She braces herself with eyes closed and opens them to find herself alone laying on her side with cats pressed up against her legs.
Her arms were limp; her head heavy with lead.
Time passes, but Delia is unsure of how much. She is immobile. At nightfall, MaryAnn emerges with a lit candle and chamomile tea.
The tea is more of a gesture, Delia remains in her position. Wordlessly, MaryAnn places the candle on the nightstand and covers Delia in a quilt. She climbs in beside her.
“I failed.” Delia whispers.
“It’s starting to hurt now, isn’t it? Remember I warned you about this part.”
“I had no idea how much pain there would be.” Delia was too dehydrated to cry anymore, but her stomach heaved as if she were still sobbing.
“It was pain you wished for, it will be worth it.” MaryAnn ran her fingers gently along Delia’s long curls.
Delia doesn’t answer. She starts to slip into a sleep as she attempts to reimagine what it felt like to be fully in the present moment.
Your Weary Widow Marches
He would smoke cigarettes behind the school with his friends and I faithfully met him there everyday. He would tell me he was going to quit because I always urged him to. I was deathly afraid of my mother up until my senior year anyway—believed if I ever used any substances that she would know instantly and unleash her wrath. More importantly to me at the time, I knew she would never let me see him if she knew he smoked.
I'll Be the One
In 2016, I went through a hard time and for the first time ever, wrote songs to process my hurt. I had it ingrained in my thinking that I was feeling unfulfilled because I wasn’t trying hard enough or that I wasn’t capable of much. The pain expressed itself out into the music and I was surprised by what I uncovered.
This chapter feels like the moment when the story stops being about changing the past and becomes about surviving grief. The line, "I have missed you so much since you died," completely reframes everything that came before. What struck me most is that Delia doesn't discover healing by finding a different memory, but by discovering how impossible it is to love without eventually facing loss. The final scene with MaryAnn is quiet, but it carries enormous emotional weight. Beautifully written.
Wow, this chapter completely pulled at my heartstrings. 'I have missed you so much since you died.'—what a devastating, powerful twist that recontextualizes the entire mission. The cats' presence, sensing her pain, adds such a sweet, realistic comfort. Beautifully written.