Holding What You Can't Keep
the love in me found in between
I travelled alone
took three planes to meet you.
One plane flew low,
scraped the tops of New York’s
tallest structures.
Snow filled alleys
that reflected a sunrise
sent me to another timeline
painted me new inside.
Plane two planted me
surrounded in foreign tongues
panicked heart
settling in
suddenly
severe green mountains
a landscape I could get lost in.
The third plane
I’m frozen
ready to take in
everything given.
A car ride
no speed limit
the thought
it might have killed me
when they’re taking left turns
five or six at once.
It wasn’t the purpose of the travel
to meet you
but I made it mean something
convinced fate you and I were meant to.
I didn’t see you
hands shaking
until outside alone
your eyes started taking.
Show me my bed
sit close on the steps
pass me the tequila
pass me the last of your cigarette.
Rain annihilating a metal roof
above my head
darkness swirling
I laid down alone only thinking of you
I let the rain erase me
I saw it as proof.
Almost but not quite
you’re holding my hand
unfamiliar lands
starlight.
I made you nervous
I pushed in
where you thought I was scared to.
You latched on
you did,
a goodbye kiss on my neck
sealed it.
Came home
convinced I loved you
that we’d make it work
that you’d destroy lives
and follow through.
I laugh
when I didn’t want to
curse your name
when I really miss you.
You still do the same things
but I’ve been through it
taking broken pieces
twisting
trying to make
all the strange things fit.
Separate the attention
from your livelihood
recognize the part you played
how you knew
you pushed into me too—
didn’t do what you should.
Messages sent in glances
are dangerous.
Hearts that yearn,
that get too close
needed strength to act
needed time to unfold.
I haven’t loved
as many
as you have come across.
Do you ever think of me
when it’s dark
when you can’t sleep—
that cold space we fall in
where we face how we’re truly alone
where we try holding what we can’t keep?
Do you ever wonder
what it’d be like
with me
if you had followed me home
our souls freed,
our dreams sugar sweet?
This feels more like a memoir than a love poem (but it's both!). It made me feel so sad, especially the ending because it reads soooo cinematically. For some reason, as I read it, it feels like the planes arent just transportation but a metaphor. This is so transformative. "recognize the part you played how you knew you pushed into me too." is so powerful because it has somewhat of an interesting tension from your understanding of the situation to asking the other to examine their own role in the situation. I feel much big sad reading this. Thank you for writing this. I appreciate your work as a writer!
There’s something about traveling that far toward someone, only to discover that the greatest distance may still remain between two people. The ending stayed with me—the question of what might have been if someone had simply chosen to follow. Beautiful and quietly painful, Lila.